Funny Quotes

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. Bill Cosby

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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice
Bill Cosby

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Lana Turner

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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot
Groucho Marx

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Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy. Frank Sinatra

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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes
Jim Carrey

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History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
Napolean Bonaparte

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A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first.
Oscar Levant

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I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

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The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
Albert Einstein

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield

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Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Mark Twain

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Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.
Mark Twain

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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving
Erma BombeckErma Bombeck

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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
Lily Tomlin See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food
W. C. Fields

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I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink
Joe E. Lewis

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